WINTER DEPRESSION STRIKES AGAIN

So it's been a pretty bad week. And I don't mean kind of bad, I mean really bad. And what is a person to do when most of your life starts to unravel? Wait it out and see where the last few threads of sanity will take you? And even when things are going ok, are you really just blinded to reality? Or is it the calm before the next storm? Well right now things are calm enough. Last weekend, however, was stormy. And it makes me wonder, when storms seem to hit one after the other, what happens when the storm barriers fall apart? Do you become engulfed by the waves, never to see the surface again? Or do you get washed ashore somewhere, and are slowly able to find your way back home? What if you don't become washed away, but you feel completely separated from everything that's going on around you? Your feet are still on the ground but inside you're drowning. And no one will listen to your explanations, and even if they do, they still don't understand. And they can't understand, so really it's expecting too much of them to think that they might be able to. But if you know that they can't fully understand, then who are you supposed to go to for help? When people remain silent, or start being pushy, or heap their own problems on you, how is that productive? And people wonder why there are insane asylums. Holy crap, I hate winter!

TO READ OR NOT TO READ

So okay. Another day, and definitely not lazy. I'm trying desperately to catch up with the 500 pages of reading that I haven't yet done, but a person can only be expected to do so much in one sitting! And really, I just love break time! :) Okay, ok, that's the lazy side predominating. But honestly, world war two gets pretty boring after 100 pages. Add to that the fact that war history is not my favorite (I'm not a violent person, although ex-boyfriends might say differently) and it's easy to see why I've decided to stop for the next while. Plus, I've decided that I really do need to update this more often, the last few months have horrible for that. Although that's easy for me to say now, but looking at my reading schedule and I'll probably forget all about this. Ah well, you win some and you lose some, and once school is done I'll write a lot more often. Can't wait for school to be done, I'm ready for it. That happens to me every semester though. I get to January and I'm ready to quit. I think that second semester should start in march and go through June. That way, people can hibernate all through the ugly winter! what a perfect world that would be!

MUSINGS

Yes, well, not so lazy anymore. Well, ok, to be truthful, still kind of lazy, but not as lazy as before. And that is going to change very soon, yuppers. I realized earlier today that most of my assignments for this semester are due in the next month, a lot of them within a one-week span, and that's not very good. Right now it doesn't seem too bad, but once I start working I'll probably freak out. I wonder why that is. Why I tend to freak out when I become stressed. Or maybe freak out isn't the right expression. Because when I'm stressed I tend to bottle it up for a while. And THEN I freak out! Hmm, to analyze myself is never much fun. I took a class on that once and it wasn't my favorite. I learned a lot, but still...not much fun. And no, I don't remember everything that I learned, and so I don't have much of a handle on why I react to stress the way that I do. But this is all off the topic. What I mean to say is that the semester is definitely under way, and the beautifulness of being at home is most assuredly gone. Life just has a completely different pace out here, one that I am used to, but not one that I much like. I have never felt the need to be constantly busy and that's pretty much what everyone seems to be like out here. I sometimes wonder if any of the kids out here have seen what the stars really look like, or if they've ever heard a cricket chirp or if they've ever spent an afternoon breathing in the scent of freshly mown grass while trying to find shapes in the clouds. Winnipegers run to a different clock. Everyone here is always on the go, trying to get things done as fast as possible, trying not to waste one minute. And I don't think that I'll ever get used to that because I was spoiled while growing up. I was given the gift of time.

NOT MUCH GOING ON

Or I guess I should start by saying Happy New Year. But really, why is that the first thing that people say to each other on this day? Why do people assume that others are happy? Maybe it's not really assuming that others are happy, but still, I guess I just don't want to be all enthusiastic about a new year when I know people that are having anything but a happy new year. And so to go up to them and say Happy New Year seems incredibly cruel. That doesn't mean that I don't want this year to be happy. I truly think that this'll be one of the greatest years of my life. It's starting at a good place, I'm still at home, and that's a wonderful place to be. I have to leave tomorrow though and that's a bummer. But I'm getting married in 5 months and that's great news! Holy, I can't believe that it's now 5 months away. I've been engaged for less than 3 months, but I've been counting down to my wedding since last January. So you can imagine my excitement over the fact that there's only 5 more months. But back to the title, not much is going on today. I watched the Parade of Roses this morning because it's tradition and you gotta keep tradition. And I just finished copying out a bunch of addresses for the wedding invitations. And now Steve is coming over. All in all, a pretty lazy day so far. Just like the last few. But I'm happy for that. Now that the rush to find material for the bridesmaid dresses is over, I'm quite content to do absolutely nothing. Whoever would have thought that it would be so stinking difficult to find a nice shade of green? Over the past week I have learnt one thing: all nice material comes in blue, pink or purple. Lovely shades of it too, but when you have your heart set on green, those other three colors become the thorn in your side. That's ok though, we finally found material that's almost what I had in mind and it's really pretty. And the girls will look pretty in it, and that's all that matters. But it makes me thankful that we didn't go looking to make my wedding dress. Thankfully we ordered that one! And yes, laziness is golden for now. All too soon school will start again and then who knows when I'll be able to be this lazy again.