NOT THERE YET

So I'm starting to think that I'm never going to get my act together and get my life sorted out. Why some things have to be so hard is way beyond my limited amount of knowledge. So I guess it makes sense then that things keep falling out of place. Oh they're alright for awhile, but inevitably everything falls apart again, and then again, and honestly I'm quite sick of going around in circles. Right now life is supposed to be easy because it only gets harder from here. But when that which is supposed to be easy becomes hard, I find it difficult to keep my focus. No wonder I become sick of myself at times! If I can't even keep promises that I make to myself, I'm a lot worse off than I first thought. Which must be pretty bad seeing as how I don't think I'm doing so well at all. There are solutions to every problem, mine included, but I don't have much faith in them. Tried them, have tried most everything actually, and the solutions just don't seem to work for very long. I could go to extreme measures because I'm pretty sure that would work, but there'd be too much hurt involved in that, and I'd honestly rather not go there. On the other hand, however, I'm really not sure how much longer I can keep hurting myself. Maybe it's time to do for my spirit what green tea does for the body - get rid of the all the junk that's inside.

LIFE

Time to contradict the last entry. I'm finding it sort of amusing (in a kind of sadistic way) to see how quickly life can change. Sometimes it's nice and easy and then sometimes it's miserable. Although to be fair, not entirely miserable, just in part. Big part though. And it's tough to swallow the pain and move past it. Forgiveness is hard, but will come eventually. Lack of trust sucks, and that doesn't come back easily. Wanting to cry but knowing that it won't do any good. Pissed off, but trying to turn that feeling into something a bit more positive; wondering if it's possible to actually accomplish that. And having to laugh at the fact that even if one area of life is messed up, the rest just keeps on going. Friends keep packing up and leaving, summer jobs start, university acceptance letters are received. I'm looking forward to the summer. Not to be rude, but I need the peace and quiet that this place gives in the summer. And in order for that to happen, I need the students to leave. It doesn't really matter how much I may like them, I just need some rest. It's been a crazy year and I'm feeling the need to recooperate. I'm feeling the need for a lot of things at the moment actually, but I'll stick to filling the basic craving of ice tea. Thankfully there are still some things in life that are 100% uncomplicated.

SO IT WORKS

Well I thought it was about time I wrote again, although I really don't have all that much to say. Nothing exciting has happened since the last time I wrote; well nothing that I can remember anyways. But I'm happy. And that's something. I'm feeling settled for the first time in a long time and it's a good feeling. I don't like my job and I don't particularly like living here, but I'm happy. Go figure, eh? Doesn't make sense but somehow it all works. Maybe it's like two negatives making a positive. I always thought that sounded stupid though :)

NOT QUITE SURE. . .

So it's Friday. And that makes me incredibly happy. This week just flew by and now I have two whole days to try and kick this cold. Time to sleep in (hopefully) and do nothing other than relax. Oh how I love weekends! So yes, I'm happy on the one hand, but feeling crummy on the other. And not just because of my cold; the only thing bothering me there is a stuffy nose. No, I'm bummed because my baby sister is hurting and that hurts me. I hate to see her feeling so out of sorts and confused. Reminds me of me I suppose, and that's not a very nice reminder. And even though I try to soothe it doesn't really seem to help because words are just words, and at times like these, words just aren't very adequate. So I'm feeling at quite a loss as to what I can do to make her feel better. Not much I can do except give her hugs, which is also hard to do seeing as how I don't see her very much! But yeah. It's left me feeling kinda out of sorts all day. It's weird to be on the outskirts of it this time, and even weirder to realize that those on the outskirts are still affected by it, even if only remotely. It sucks. And it sucks worse for her and I wish I could take it away because she doesn't deserve it.

WAITING FOR SUMMER

Settled in mind, but not in body. Sick for the third time in as many months and it's just not any fun. I was actually feeling not too badly for most of today but then I lay down to take a nap and I got up feeling plain awful. Am tempted to call my boss tonight to tell her that I won't be in to work tomorrow, but for those of you who know me - hahaha - you know that I'll probably go in to do all my major cleaning before coming home. Then again, maybe tomorrow won't be so bad. For all I know, I could be completely healthy, and wouldn't that be the nicest thing! But I know myself and so I know that I'll most likely still be sick. But that's ok, just as long as this foul sore throat goes away. I can handle most things, but a sore throat just grates on my nerves. But anyways! Tomorrow's Friday and that's the best news I've had all week. This week has just flown by and I'm thankful for that. Hard to believe that the school year is almost over; it seems like it just started! But I'm glad summer is almost here. I need the warmer weather because I'm never this sick this often in the summer!

CONTENTMENT IS SPELT S-O-L-I-T-U-D-E

Ah what a perfect day! Except for the sugar overdose early in the day which left me feeling sick, ofcourse! :) No, it was a wonderful day. Work wasn't bad at all, went by really fast, but that could be because of the hour and a half long staff meeting! And it was WARM today. Really really warm. And the perfect way to rest and relax is to sit outside, on a blanket, with a pillow, a good cd, and an even better book, and just let the time pass. It's really amazing how quickly a couple of hours will go by. And it's even more amazing how rejuvenating it is. At a time like that there are no problems. All cares and worries are brushed away, or even solved, while sitting outside. Decisions that have been bugging you can be decided very quickly and leave you feeling better than anything's made you feel in the last while. Frowns go away and smiles come easily, especially when looking up at all the geese flying back!! Doesn't hurt if a suntan is started in the process HAHAHAHAHA. But seriously, sometimes all you need is to be by yourself. Weird how there are days where you just don't feel like seeing anyone. And that's not meant to be mean, it's just a fact, everyone needs to be alone or they'd go nuts. And today was MY day. Perfect in every way, and I'm much more settled now than I was before.

THANKFULLY IT'S A NEW DAY

Thank God for new days! A clean slate, anything can happen and the possibilities are endless. I finally got rid of my bad luck last night, but not until after I lost one of my favorite butterfly earrings. I found it ironically; it was in the middle of the street and the earring was glinting in the light from the street lamp. It's a good thing I found it too, because if I hadn't, I would've gone home and cried. I would've had to laugh at some point because it would have been a fitting end to a really weird day, but it would've been the icing on the cake, and by last night I'd already had enough. BUT - last night was actually really good! Went to D's and then got together with Gord and Elly! I love them, and hadn't seen them in a year so it was nice to catch up. And then I spent the rest of the evening watching movies which has to be one of the most relaxing things ever, but I will say that I think I was the only sane one there, and that's saying something! And to make it all the more perfect, I slept til 11 this morning! HAHAHA that NEVER happens! So I'm rested and relaxed and happy and it's gonna be a good day.