THE LOSS OF THE HAPPY FEELINGS

So every so often there is a day or a part of a day that just seems completely pointless, as though there is no reason to even live through it. A time when it would probably just be best to stay at home instead of going out, or crawl back into bed if already at home. And there doesn't even really have to be a reason as to why it would be a better option, it just would be. On the other hand, however, there very well could be external factors. Everything could be find and dandy one minute, only to have frustrations suddenly heaped on your head the next. Or maybe you just woke up in the morning with an overall feeling of blahness. It really doesn't matter all that much. Well, it does in the sense that it's disconcerting to feel that way. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world. And personally, when I'm suddenly surprised in a negative way I know that I have a very hard time recovering my "happier" state of mind. So it's not necessarily that I woke up with a blah feeling, it's that I'm having a hard time getting my previously positive attitude from yesterday back again. And I could blame other things for the way I'm feeling, but no matter what happened yesterday there is just no valid reason as to why I still feel like this today. Even if my more evil side is telling me that any reason is valid. But then maybe nothing about today relates to yesterday. Today may just have it's own as-of-yet unknown reasons for being blah. Or maybe it's just the fact that it's a very slow moving day and I'm in the mood to be moving and doing things. It could be that, but that doesn't totally make sense seeing as how I've actually gotten some things accomplished today that I wanted to get done. So who knows what the source of the disconcerted feeling is. Maybe I'll just be typical me and blame it on the weather!

THE TENSION TAMER EFFECT

So here's what I've figured out. A three hour nap, combined with tension tamer tea, makes for one really upset stomache :( Ugh. And I'ma thinking that it's because I'm just too relaxed. All my normal tension levels, the ones that I use simply to exist from day to day, have dropped drastically due to that lethal combination that I described above. Add in a couple brownies and it's a miracle that I'm not throwing up right now! Too much tension in one's life is a bad thing, but no tension is nearly as bad! If I was as relaxed as a cat all the time, I'd never be able to get out of bed. Actually, I don't even know how I made it from the couch to this chair, and I certainly don't want to have to contemplate how I'm going to get from this chair to my bed! Any sort of movement makes my stomache flip, and that has got to be one of the ugliest feelings that a person can experience. Somersaults are not meant to happen inside of a person! That is why recess was created and kids were forced to endure the bitter -40 temperatures of Saskatchewan winters every day. So that they could get the somersaults out of their systems! And if I really wanted to experience the thrills that flipping can create, I'd have become an acrobat. And do I look like an acrobat? Have I ever given the impression that I've always wanted to be an acrobat? I DON'T THINK SO! And so what can I learn from this? Never combine three favorite things at once. Too much favorite can be seriously disturbing. Never nap for three hours if planning to spend a relaxing evening at home later on. Thirdly, never have brownies and tea at the same time unless the tea is plain old red rose! Tension tamer has way too much stuff in it, it's like a dessert on its own! And finally - and maybe most important - if you happen to be stupid and you do combine all three things within a couple hours, never, NEVER, move away from the couch you're sitting on!

I wish everyone could be as happy as I am! :)

MACBETH

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

That is the only bit of Shakespeare that I have ever memorized and I did it way back in grade 10. I don't know why it's stuck with me so long, or why I even like it, but for some reason I like it a lot. And that doesn't really make sense seeing as how it is what Macbeth first says after hearing about his wife's death. And I'm really not one to dwell much on the possibility of death (except that anyone I love is not allowed to intentionally put their lives in any sort of danger!!) I think what I most like about it is the last few lines. "A tale told by an idiot..." That part always makes me smile and I think it is because I know of a few people who tell pointless, idiotic 'tales'
But then again, maybe I just like it because I can still remember something that I memorized 7 years ago!

READY FOR BATTLE

Ok, so I wasn't handed a big dose of patience overnight, but I was slapped with reality. Not in a bad way; in a way that opened my eyes to what needed to be. And trust me when I say that that's definitely not a bad thing! No, it will all be for the better. I will admit though that I can't believe it's taken me this long to clue in to reality. I don't find it funny, maybe sadly ironic though, to be faced with this now. I'm glad that I know it, but I do think that if I knew it a long time ago it would've saved a bunch of heartache. That was all so needless and it didn't have to be. What a lost battle that was! But this one..this one I will not lose. I refuse to! REFUSE. There's just no middle ground with it this time. I'm not saying that the road won't have potholes every so often to make me stumble a step or two - I am realistic, I live in Saskatchewan for crying out loud! - but I won't fall. The road hurts more than the sacrifice and I don't want to taste the asphalt yet again! It's really not all that fun in my opinion.

AND THE SURVEY SAYS...

my Hawaiian name is Iolana Anani
my French name is Jamari Foucaud
my 1920's name is Vivienne Esperanza
In a past life I was an eagle or a banished monk :)
If I was a flavor of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, I would be Chocolate Fudge Brownie
if I was a candy I would be Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
for Halloween I should be a scary bunny
if I was a reindeer I would be Cupid
if I was a type of coffee I would be a Frappacino
if I was a type of pie I would be an apple pie
if I was a type of food I would be Italian
if I was a donut I would be a Boston Creme
if I was a flavor of lip gloss I would be Cherry Kiss
if I was a flower I would be a Lily
if I was a season I would be Summer
if I was a rose I would be a Lavender rose
if my life was a John Cusak movie it would be Serendipity
my hidden talent is Persuasion
my inner hair color is Pink

THE VIRTUE I DON'T POSSESS

I hope that no one has ever said that patience is easy because they would be so completey wrong if they did! Patience has got to be one of the hardest things to practice. Ofcourse it could just be me who has that problem, but I doubt that. Trying to be patient when all I want is for the future to hurry up and get here is starting to drive me somewhat nuts. Or more than that actually - just a lotta bit nuts! And it also seems that the more I try to be patient the harder it is to actually be patient! I don't really understand how that works, but there it is. But I know I need to do better; a whole lot better! Cuz if I don't work on what is driving me nuts now, I can pretty much guarantee that it'll be an even bigger mess in a short period of time. But a "wise" :) man told me not too long ago that all you can do is take things one day at a time. I do agree with that, but it seems like a losing battle when there are just so so many days to take one at a time! Ofcourse it'd probably help if I didn't worry about it. Worry doesn't solve anything it only results in sleepless nights. But then many other things result in sleepless nights too, so I figure that I'm pretty much hooped no matter what I do. But yes, definitely gotta work on the patience. Maybe I should try making that my New Year's resolution for the year. HAHA let's see how long that'll last!

JUST CALL ME "DOPEY"

Painkillers are beautiful things! And that is meant in all honesty. They must be one of the most beautiful things that I have ever come in contact with. Two things about them: they take away absolutely all trace of any back pain that one may be experiencing, and they make the world a happier place! Both are very true. All pain is gone, and I do mean GONE. And the world, well, it has never looked so good as it did today. Everything was just so incredibly nice today! I was smiling all day long! Unfortunately there is one teeny tiny side-effect. And this may not happen to everyone, but I think I took double the dose that I should have last night and so it definitely applies to me! Anyways, it makes me loopy. I might've mentioned that in an earlier entry, but I could tell ya the exact moment that those pills kicked in. The pain left, but so did my brain. It was like everything that I was focused on became fuzzy and distant and I couldn't quite get back my focus on anything. It's like my head sort of separated from the rest of my body and my body wouldn't listen to what my head told it to do. It's an outrageous feeling! Not unpleasant by any means, just really really weird. But at least I was sitting down this time. Last time I took them I nearly fell down a flight of stairs! But yes, I took the pills last night and I think I was still feeling some of their effects today because my head has been fuzzy all day long. Took twice as long for me to do the most basic things this morning. But they really are like uppers. I'd take them all the time if I wasn't worried about a little thing that I like to call addiction! Oh I'm sure it'd be wonderful at first, but it might be just a slight problem when you have to rely on pills to make you feel good. Yup yup, I may be dopey at the moment, but I don't think I'd like to be called that for the rest of my life (and my friends had better not be getting any ideas on new nicknames for me!). It's been a trip alright, but I think I'm going to end the ride by taking a nap. Maybe "Sleepy" is a more fitting name after all.

DEATH COME QUICKLY

So other than the fact that my back hurts so much I want to die (and no, that's not a complete exaggeration), today hasn't been all too bad. But like I said, the back is killing me. Slowly but surely it is killing me. I didn't go back to work this afternoon because by the end of the morning, it hurt too much to even sit down comfortably; walking and even simply standing being pretty much impossible. I'm going to lie on the floor for an hour or two and hopefully that will help. And dad is going to buy me pain killers tomorrow (the good ones - the ones that make me loopy!). And until then I'll just try to survive it. Hopefully I'll be able to get in to have a massage on Friday. And if not then, then next week. All I know is that this can't go on for much longer. I feel ancient!
But yeah, other than that, today has been really good! Much better than yesterday. I was just in one of those crabby moods yesterday. But today has been good - busy at first but that levelled off. And to make it even better - my boss helped me out this morning by vacuuming for me. It was like a birthday present! I wish that would happen every day, but I don't suppose I'd have much of a job left if it did (It's nice to dream though).
Anyhoo, that's about it. I'm gonna go plug in my foot spa :)

UNDECIDED

So today's been an odd sort of day. Neither really good nor bad. It's been awfully slow though. And it's days like this that make me frustrated the most. That and the weather. Although I guess I shouldn't really complain about the weather seeing as how it's absolutely gorgeous for being a week into January! But I think it's winter in general that bugs me. It's a depression inducer and I feel the effects of that daily. Funny how I know about it; know it's coming and somehow still can't manage to combat it. From January to March I just sort of sink into a funk. And it's not as though I really even have anything to complain about, I just feel like complaining. Which brings me to today. Man did I ever have to hold my tongue today, and some people may tell you that I didn't do a very good job of it! I really did try though - honestly did try. But it came to the point where I knew that I had to leave and take a nap or I would either continue being slightly depressed or I would go even further than that and snap at the drop of a hat. I did come home, but I haven't gone for the nap yet. Still trying to decide if I should go for the nap and risk losing sleep tonight, or if I should give in and have a good long cry and then deal with the inevitable headache that would follow. I'm sort of leaning towards crying. A good cry every once in a while really does help. Sounds crazy, but it's true. I read it in a book somewhere. Something about cleansing impurities out of your system or something like that. Which sounds really strange to me seeing as how it's coming out of your eyeballs! But there it is. I'm undecided. Maybe I'll do both. Cry and then sleep off the headache. Mmm, compromise!!

A NEW YEAR

So Happy New Year everybody! Can't believe it's already a week into January. Time is just moving way too quickly. Which I'm very happy about on the one hand, but which freaks me out on the other hand. There are so many things that I want to do and most of them won't happen for a long time yet, but time does move, so I'm thinking that before I know it, it's going to have crept up on me! But have you ever wanted to fast-forward a year or two? See where your life is at and skip all the boring stuff between now and then? Oh I want to do that so badly! I know that this next year won't be boring at all (if this past fall is any indication!!), but I guess I just want to get my life going outside of this town. It'll come quickly, and I suppose that while I'm impatient for things to happen now, I know that right now I'm not quite ready for those things to happen. I think I need another semester and summer here to prepare myself. Because once next fall hits, everything is going to happen incredibly fast. A new university in a new city. A new job and maybe a new roommate or two. And new friends! (gotta do a better job of keeping in touch with the old friends though!). So all in all, despite my impatience, this year should be really good and I'm looking forward to it more than I've ever looked forward to a new year before. Just gotta keep telling myself not to wish this year away :)

Anyways, in other news, I did go to Edmonton and for the most part I had an enjoyable time. Tensions ran high a couple of times, but at least I didn't completely snap! The first two days that we were there were really good. But I think that we stayed one day too long because it was on that last day that most of us seemed to be crabby. Just wasn't really having a good time on that last day. Can't tell you how thankful I was to come home! More because of the fact that I was able to sleep in my own bed. Didn't sleep much while I was away. And I seemed to have a constant headache too. Although the back spasms during the imax movie kinda took my focus off of my head for awhile! But I will say this: you gotta love the west ed. dragon!! :)