YQ RECOVERY DAY

Ok. So today has been my recovery day and I don't think that it counts if you're sick. But if I wasn't sick I would definitely need recovering anyways. YQ took everything out of me. And I know that a lot of people worked harder than I did - still feel bad for Chad - and I know that a lot of people worked longer hours than I did - still think that Steve was absolutely nuts - but I was just physically limited this weekend. Having to work while being sick is definitely not fun. But here's the thing. I don't understand why the students really need a recovery day after this weekend. I understand why anyone involved in any working or volunteering capacity would need a day to recover. They work their fingers to the bone, stay up for an insane amount of hours and generally just put all their available energy into making this weekend go smoothly. But the students, not to be offensive, but the students who do nothing but enjoy the weekend really don't need a day to recover from it. Why would they? It's their own stupid fault if they decide to stay up all weekend just to say that they did. It's not like they're staying up late and then having to wake up early because they need to go back into work. No, it's just a part of enjoying YQ. Why should they need to recover from enjoyment? It just doesn't make much sense. Because once the main session on Sunday is over, they already have most of an entire day left in order to "recover." Monday is just a bonus for them because the people who run the school need a day to recover too. Somehow it seems just a little off balanced. But then that's life isn't it.

END OF IT ALL

And now I'm going to sleep!!

NEVERMIND!

OK! So this afternoon I went over to check out how YQ was going, and I ended up having the best afternoon ever! I did about an hour of work, which wasn't planned but I was happy to do it anyways, and then I just hung out. Caught about half of Panic Squad's routine and it was so hilarious! I was pretty much double-overed from laughing. Went over to the gym and ate some cotton candy! Yea for cotton candy! And then I rounded up Jana and we went over to the Hilde to catch the John Rueben concert. Oh it was so much fun! But J had to leave so I went around to the other side and hung out with Kid, Dan, D, and Ally. And Lis and I moshed! From the back of the room :) It was so great! D and Dan were taking all these pictures of me and Lis cuz apparently we were acting really crazy (ME? Crazy? Where on earth they got that idea I do not know! HAHAHAHA) And it was just the greatest time! But now I've gotta catch a bite to eat before I head back over there. I'm not scheduled to clean until midnight but I want to go over there to help pick things up while the retreaters are all in the main session. Ciao!

NOT AS PLANNED

So the weekend is definitely not progressing in the way that I thought it would. It's been long, but not as long as I had planned on. And some think that I'm insane for feeling bad about that, but I hate leaving others in the lurch. Getting sick was not part of the plan; the plan was to work. Being sent home was definitely not in the plan! And no, I didn't want to go home, contrary to what some might think. Others might be thrilled to get the night off, but not me. Call it stubborness. Call it loyalty (although I don't think that's the word!) Call it whatever you want. It really ticked me off to go home. I don't like admitting defeat. Unless I'm nearly dying I ususally tend to stick with what I'm supposed to do. So it really annoyed me to be babied last night. Go home and sleep and you'll feel better in the morning. HAHA, yeah right. I probably got a bit less sleep than I would have if I had stayed up, and I don't really feel all that much better. Granted, I do have today off and so maybe that will help. But right now I'm still not happy about it. And I know I should smarten up and get over it, but that's just not working at the moment. Oh well. That was yesterday, today's a new day. Doesn't matter how sick I feel, I'm not leaving tonight!

I've decided, for many reasons, that the greatest thing in life is sleep. And for for once, my head and my body actually agree! And while I may think that my 2.5 hour nap wasn't long enough, I am planning on going to bed in just over an hour and so I know I will be getting a ton more sleep tonight. But therein lies the problem. Because the more sleep I get, the more I end up wanting. And with this crazy weekend coming up - can't believe it starts tomorrow - I know that I won't be getting all that much. But I suppose that could be a good thing too. Because I'm used to not getting much sleep and so technically I should be ok this weekend if I don't sleep much. But on the other hand, I don't usually start working at midnight when I haven't gotten much sleep, so it could potentially go in the completely opposite direction. And why should sleep be such an important factor in how we function? I'd be just fine if we never needed sleep. That's quite normal for me! Doesn't help me fuction properly though. So if I wake up at 5 tomorrow morning, what are the odds that at 2:30 Saturday morning I'll still be able to swing a mop in the right direction? I wonder if I can squeeze a nap into the day somewhere...

BYE BYE BLONDE!

So after 7 months of being a blonde, I have reverted back to a shade of brown that's close to my natural color. And boy am I happy! Any shade of brown would have been good; it made me smile to simply see that I was brunette again. I was a bit taken aback at first to see that it actually was brown, but now it feels like I was never blonde at all. Blonde was fun but brown is comfortable and I like it better!
Anyways! This week has been crazy busy and it's only going to get worse. This weekend is going to be absolutely insane for pretty much everyone. I think the entire campus should just sleep all day Monday and wouldn't that make everyone so much more pleasant next Tuesday?! Thankfully I do get Monday off, so hopefully I will be pleasant. But I'm thinking that I'll just be tired. If I'm tired now then it can only get worse. Of course, I do have an afternoon nap waiting in the wings and I will be enjoying that shortly! :) But it's seriously going to be a rushed weekend, one that may or may not be enjoyed in the process. But that's ok. Cuz it's not about me, it's about the kids that are coming. And if they enjoy the weekend then it should all be worth it.

THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

Totally content in being alone. Silence is golden, but solitude is better. Sometimes you just need to be away from anyone and everyone. It's a way to re-charge the dead batteries, to get geared up for the days ahead. Spend time drinking sugared tea, listening to music, watching the olympics, and crocheting. Nothing but the screen in front of me and the thoughts in my head. Should spend part of every day like this. Would probably end up being a lot more relaxed and at peace with the world. Wonder what would happen if everyone spent part of their day relaxing alone, not caring about the other distractions of the day. Would everyone end up happier? Or would it end up being just another part of their day that they had to rush through before they could get on with the next chore on their to-do list. Shame that it ends up like that. Everyone always rushing, never taking the time to watch the scenery go by their car windows. I always knew the autobahn was a stupid idea...

MUSINGS

Sitting and wondering what the point is. NOT thinking that it's all pointless, but wondering what's the point. Shouldn't be stuck in a never-ending, always-routine job that I dislike and yet there it is. Same old thing day in and day out. Not always unpleasant, even pleasant SOMETIMES, but definitely not all that much fun. The end is in sight but is too far away as of yet. Something that can only be dreamt about, way too early to start crossing off days on the calendar. Wanting to do so so badly, wanting to get a jump start on the future and yet being stuck. Here. Wonderful. NOT. So struggling to see the point in the present. Definitely doesn't make much sense to be here. But knowing that there must be a point. Wishing for foresight, wanting it desperately. None of this great hindsight crap which has already been perfected. Wanting a reason! Just one little reason. Knowing that there are reasons for going through the Fall, but why now? Not seeing the point, can't handle any unrest. Been there, done too much of that. Wanting things to be easy, knowing that they probably never will be. The all-anticipated next year will be a hundred times more crazy than right now and wondering if it can all be handled. Will probably go insane once or twice, but at least it'll be exciting. Every day a new adventure to be lived through with so many things to do. Unlike now. Hateful routines. Some comfort in a routine, but not a hateful one. Then it just becomes loathed, and that it a well-known feeling. Needing things to change up a bit. Waiting for it...just waiting.

HAHAHA - too much of a good thing is deadly

FLAPJACKS

So I suppose it was inevitable. My day had to get a whole lot worse before things could get any better. Yesterday and today have been complete opposites. It's like seeing someone flip flapjacks and the first time they do it, the flapjack misses the pan and splats onto the floor. Utter and complete chaos follows before they try again and this time the flapjack lands safely in the pan and comes out perfectly. Total contradictions. But I suppose that if life wasn't bumpy once in awhile then it would stagnate and become increasingly dull and boring. And I also suppose that the broken flapjacks remind us to appreciate the perfect ones. But let me also say that until a perfect flapjack is once again made, the broken ones taste amazingly rotten. There's just nothing to delight in with those. But it's all a learning curve. Make a couple bad flapjacks along the way, but become increasingly adept at making good ones. And then make the good ones last as long as you can!

SURREAL LIFE

So I'm living my own version of the surreal life. And how my life became so surreal I really do not know; especially seeing as how I pretty much just work and come home. And I really don't even go anywhere, it's just what happens at work or at home that makes it so nuts. I guess if anyone else lived my life it wouldn't be such a surprise as to why I'm so tired all of the time. And really I don't think that my fatigue just stems from the physical aspect of my job (really it's not as physical as it could be!), I'm thinking that the majority of my fatigue is because my brain is being overworked. All the time. It's amazing how many people other than myself need my brain everyday. And I'm not trying to be conceited here, it's just the plain and sad truth. I sympathize with ______ (name will be omitted) when ____ (you can pick what you think the gender is) said that ____ (again - pick which gender you think fits) feels used. And I'm not saying that I feel used in the same way, the circumstances are completely different. But I do. And that's what's so surreal. If I'm not needed to give advice to someone, someone else expects me to listen to them rant. Or to drop everything and spend time with them. And that doesn't work out so well when I'm still at work myself! And you know something else? I'm quite sick of it. Why can't I rant once in awhile? Or be in a grumpy mood? And I mean that others besides Steve and my family see my grumpy mood. Because you want to know what's really surreal? I have this strange compulsion to not show what I'm really feeling when I'm in a pissed off mood. Or when I'm truly mad - only about 5 people have ever seen me that way. And why do you suppose that is? I'm thinking it may be due to the fact that I deal with people who are like that themselves so often, that it just ticks me off to feel that way myself. Like today for instance. I was talking to Steve about what to do on Valentine's Day and just the thought of that day really drove me nuts. And then I went and apologized for that! Why do I always feel guilty for not feeling happy? And when I'm not happy, why do I always downplay it and say it's due to the fact that I'm sore or I'm tired or that I'll be fine if I can just get a nap? Is my life a lie? I don't honestly think it is, but why do I consistently try to make things appear not quite so bad as they are? And if they really aren't that bad, why do I feel like they are? And if I'm sick of dealing with people all of the time, why do I feel so obligated to keep helping them out? Even though I know it drives me nuts. What on earth is wrong with me! I'm really glad that there isn't two of me, but at least there'd be someone to cry to if there was.

THE SEPTIC TANK

So who would've ever thought that the town I've grown up in and loved my whole life would end up being the one place that I absolutely cannot stand to be in anymore. I must say that it's a weird twist, and one that I really don't like. I mean, there are things that I haven't liked about this place for the last while, but now I really don't like any of it. I want out; I need out. This place is sitting on - I'll put it nicer than I did earlier - a really really big septic tank that's about to burst and cause this whole place to collapse inward and get sucked down into the s***. And there's no use denying it because it's so gonna happen. Maybe not in the next few months, maybe not next year, but inevitably this place is going to implode. Might as well just shut the whole thing down now and save a whole bunch of trouble later in having to explain why the whole place (or huge hole) smells the way it does! And trust me, this isn't going to be as easy as replacing those rusty pipes under the roads! AHHH I most sincerely dislike it here. But how many people do you think I can convince to leave with me? I feel like I need to rescue everybody from this place now. Most of them just don't realize how bad it's going to get.

THE LOSS OF RATIONALITY

So the last couple days have resulted in making me think that I'm losing my mind. And I'm serious in this, I really think I'm losing touch with reality. It wasn't so bad before, but then there was the near accident on Saturday which really really freaked me out, and it's all progressed from there. Wasn't feeling so well yesterday which would've been ok except then I really lost it. Had the sensation last night that someone was choking me. It seriously felt like someone had their hands around my throat. But if that wasn't bad enough, I got the shock of my life when I ended up seeing something that wasn't even there! And I'm rational, I don't see things that aren't there! I might think that something is there when it isn't, but I do not see things that I know can not possibly be there, and yet they are! It just doesn't happen! Losing my grip with reality is what I think is happening. Probably doesn't help that I'm suffering from some as-yet-undefined illness (probably the flu - at least I hope that's all it is!) and the ever present fatigue. But yeah, I lost it. Broke down crying and that doesn't happen very often. Needless to say, work didn't go very well today. I'm jumping at shadows and it's not much fun. I think the solution is a day off and I'm very nearly going to get that. I'm going to take a mental health day, well most of one anyways! Being stubborn, I can't let myself take the entire thing off, but I will take most of it. And all I'm going to do is sleep. Sounds like a perfect way to recover from a bad few days.

ONE MONTH LATER...STUCK IN THE SHRUBS

Ya so you know my new year's resolution? HAHAHA, totally not going so well. In fact, it's really not working at all at this present moment. And the funny thing is, it's working where I didn't expect it to work (well for the most part it is - it's getting slowly better), but it's totally not working in an area that I didn't even really realize could be a problem. And it's getting much much worse as the days go on. And I can't even tell myself to step back, breathe deeply, and try to get new perspective on the situation because there isn't anywhere to go in order to do that! I feel swamped, like I'm drowning. Or like I'm in one of those shrub mazes and I'm surrounded on all sides by towering walls of green. Have I ever mentioned that I'm slightly claustrophobic? Not really scared of small spaces, it's more like afraid of losing my breath in the midst of large amounts of people. And so I guess it would make sense that the resolution isn't working out. Although to be fair, the problem does not have to do with large amounts of people. But it's there and it's tiring and I'm losing my mind. And how is one supposed to resolve something if they've gone insane? I guess if we knew that, there wouldn't be a need for insane asylums.