CONTEMPLATION

So today was "good." I say that hestitatingly because while the day itself was fine, I was in a thoughtful mood and didn't like the outcome of my thinking. I once again had nothing much to do this morning so I got to thinking about how my life would be different, how I would be a different person, if certain events in my past hadn't have happened or had happened differently. And the outcome is that I wouldn't like who I would have been. I can't say that I have had a real pleasant existance so far, there are definitely things that I wish wouldn't have happened. But if they hadn't have happened, I wouldn't have learned how to change, and therefore, I wouldn't be the person that I am, that I am continually changing into. I think that if things had gone differently in high school, if Claudia hadn't have died, if Seth and I hadn't have dated and broken up so brutally, even if grandma hadn't have died, I would be nearly unrecognizable from who I am now. I would be a heck of a lot more pessimistic (some think that I am that way now, but I'm not really. I think it's more that I'm just realistic). I would be more inclined to manipulate people. I would tend to expect to get my own way and always win an argument. I wouldn't be as grateful for the friends that I have, as thankful for whatever time that I can spend with them. And I definitely wouldn't have the relationship with God that I currently enjoy. I do think that I would have been happy in my own way. As happy as I could possibly have hoped to be. But I think that I would've been fairly depressed too. And I'm not talking about seasonal depression. I get that now, and that's definitely different. I'm pretty sure I would've been depressed in such a way that I wouldn't be able to pinpoint why I was so down all the time. I definitely wouldn't be as content as I am now. I wouldn't have hated myself like I did for that year, but I wouldn't have learned how to love myself either. I don't like that picture. And if things had gone differently, I probably wouldn't have the friends that I do now. And as weird as they all are, I'm grateful for all of them because I learn from all of them. So even though I don't like the way it all happened, I'm glad it did. Because I like the life that I have and I wouldn't want it to be any different.